Chas Balun vs Film Threat

CHAS BALUN VS FILM THREAT 

-Erok/Crankenstein

The first time I discovered Chas Balun was through Fangoria. I saw the hypnotic ad featuring the eyes of Christopher Lee from Dracula A.D. 1972 which boasted about “chunkblowers to rip your guts out”. I was thoroughly intrigued and requested a copy of the bootleg catalog, I even ordered the Deep Red delivers shirt and literally wore it until it dissolved off my torso. I was aware of Balun's writing in Fangoria and Gorezone and loved his anarchistic sense of humor and punk/ hippie way of writing. I’d heard all about these Film Threat shit posting letters aimed at one of my heroes Chas Balun. While digging around, I finally found them on archive.org. 

In the letters between Balun and Manfred Jellinski there is some vitriol and shots fired over contracts and illegal duping. We’re talking about VHS tape deck/ foreign laserdisc technology folks, I mean how archaic. But often that’s what TOG is all about so “Be Kind and Rewind” if you dare. 

Jellinski starts off by telling Balun to stop selling his illegal boots of Nekromantik 1 because Film Threat owns the rights. Next Balun offers free promotion for Buttgereit and Jellinski to spread the word about Nekromatik 2 (which was heavily showcased in DR Alert #1). I recall first seeing the grotesque sight of a nude girl, played by Monica M., fondling a realistically dismembered corpse in a bathtub. I myself didn’t become aware of Film Threat until I bought an issue that mentioned Parker Posey. 

Film Threat and Manfred's response.

The vicious letter ends with Chas basically unglued and irked beyond belief. He calls Film Threat, Chris Gore and his mutant twin “punk snitches” and “quasi-porn merchants”. It seems as though he felt caught and says some idiotic things like “I didn’t make all that much money from bootlegging your films”. I guess he should’ve known better but I still gotta side with the big guy. 

They were very unfair and mean spirited in David E. Williams article. Chas sadly comes off like a “caught child” as M. Jellinski puts it and both sides handled this situation poorly. But for Chris Gore/ Charlie Sheen to sic the U.S. Government on Chas when they knew full well that Guinea Pig (1985) was never an actual snuff film, it comes off as a nasty move. Hashtag Winning! 

To me both sides look childish. I always assumed that Jorg and the Deep Red crew were pals, considering Graham Rae (who briefly wrote for FT), took him along on their journey to see Ed Gein’s gravesite. (read here). 

Both parties are sadly from a bygone era of VHS tape traders and for some that dead format had a sudden resurgence in popularity. I myself collect VHS tapes but prefer the cleaned up version the film makers intended us to view. The technology boom to restore anything of cult media had no signs of stopping, just as long as there are rich nerds with deep pockets willing to re-purchase shit they already bought a month ago, with a handy dandy new slip cover! Whoopie-fucking-doo! 

Seriously though without Fangoria, Gorezone, Deep Red Magazine or Psychotronic Video, where would I turn to for sources of all the horror, cult films I treasure? Film Threat never taught me a thing and I noticed how they seem to despise any bootleggers. The underground would still thrive regardless of who they slandered. These hypocrites would publicly shame the victim, even though years before FT sold bootlegs. In the “hatchet-job” piece called “Busted” by David E. Williams, they mention going after a lowlife named Donald Farmer! Read Xerox Ferox to learn more about that zine writer and film maker. 

FT’s opinion goes so far as to say (and this was written in 1992), "Dario Argento. George Romero. Lucio Fulci. Balun viciously stabs them all in the back by pirating their legally available work and selling it for his personal profit". This is way off base and funnily enough somewhat true. I mean I received The Hypnotic Eye (1960) with commercials, it was taped off of some local station. And I could pretend and say “Oh yeah I can just order the KINO blu-ray for 10$ online instead”, YEAH RIGHT! It wasn’t that fucking easy! The only source you had in the 90s was turning to bootleggers and Yes, the quality was horrendous but if you wanted to see them uncut, Chas had your back. 

In 1992, the pristine uncut versions of these impossibly rare flicks didn’t exist yet and you had all the butchered versions of every Italian Horror available! Instead of Tenebre (1982) you suffered through Unsane (1982). 7 Doors of Death (1981) the truncated version of The Beyond (1981) was all that my local Blockbuster carried and when I saw the original version my jaw dropped (read my review here). As for Romero goes, Deep Red sold the extra-long euro-cut of Dawn of the Dead (1978). 

You can dream that America already had every impossibly rare cult movie at our collective disposal back in the day, ones currently are all getting a 4K restoration (whether it needs one or not)! But I was there and it was a struggle for ghoulish film lunatics because we needed our fix. CB was the main reason for my education in rare underground cult trash films and through the chapters of the Deep Red Horror Handbook, I discovered the works of Buddy G, Jim Van Bebber, Roger Watkins and other influential indie film makers. Balun shared and meagerly profited from his collection of laser discs and duped foreign horrors for those who dabbled in the grey market. Does anyone think Film Threat and the team behind Nekromantik's bullying helped matters? I don't and it made both sides look desperate.  

I also find it fascinating that companies like Grindhouse Releasing, Blue Underground, Severin and VS have all restored the picks Chas celebrated in his books and zines. I submit for your "Rod Serling" type approval that it was Balun who ignited to flame and inspired others to secure the rights for proper release. Not only that, he included some films that are still unreleased in his catalog (or ones that have yet to come out like Run and Kill (1993). This man was light years ahead of his time. I’m glad these legit companies were able to decimate the bootleggers and now the licensed, upgraded versions are available but for decades, a 2nd generation dub of The Beyond (1981), LHODES (1972) or Porno Holocaust (1981) was all that existed in the 90s. This is mainly attributed to censorship in the USA, these VHS dupes were pretty much my only source as a suburban kid trapped in Florida with typically generic Blockbusters or Hollywood Video to rent from. OK, my two sources were 16000 and Video Waves (which carried all the Film Threat shit). 

Lately insane HK movies I only knew existed because of the Deep Red Catalog are getting 4K restorations like Burning Paradise(1994), Blue Jeans Monster (1991) and Ebola Syndrome (1996). These are some fucked up movies that I was only aware of their existence through CB, which inspired me to review them. And YES---like Film Threat accused him of selling out the film makers to get stoned on weed and maybe Orange Sunshine, he committed this petty crime. After this incident, Chas stopped selling boots of Buttgereit’s work. I currently own the Film Threat clamshell VHS and Cult Epics owns the rights now. 

Chas wrote so passionately about Nekromantik in the DR Horror Handbook that it made me want to rent the tape. I did buy a bootleg of Bad Taste (1987) and Meet The Feebles (1989) in high school. Do I feel responsible for causing Peter Jackson to struggle before he made LOTR? Ha fuck no! I mean you could make the argument that the internet devoured all forms of pay media, rendering it all free. Unlike the mean article about Chas printed in Film Threat, at least I didn’t read about how paunchy, childish and backstabbing Chris Gore is. Why go there? And who’s really the childish one here? I’ve never been a fan of FT’s condescending tone and thirst to be accepted by the mainstream Hollywood masses. They are not fondly remembered by me at least and these excerpts come off in my mind as “Punching down”. 

In one picture (the one featured at the start), FT brags about harassing Balun on his turf, the Fango Weekend of Horrors! Nice going choads, bothering a legend who’s trying to mellow out! Chas remains a triumphant educator in my film history knowledge and FT, a cringy reminder that not all zines have something important to say.

Wicked City (1992)

Wicked City. Directed by Peter Mak Tai-Kit (1992). 

This is the live action version of the anime from the 87. It starts off at warp speed and just gets more into Yokai Monster territory as it blurrrrs along in a frenetic pace. A boxer’s BBQ’d corpse shows up. The death is attributed to happiness a new street drug. No, it’s not original “Stummys” the drug from KITH: Brain Candy that makes you happy because like Bruce’s character yells on stage “Fuck Happy”! 

The main character gets a hunch there may be monsters (or REPTOIDS) and we’re off into “Monster land”. It’s a mix of The Hidden (1987) and a heavy dose of film noir severed up psychedelic style. 

The two monster hunting agents are played by Jackie Cheung Hok-Yau (Ken) and Leon Lai Ming (Taki). Cheung was also in two insanely great HK flicks worth seeking out, Bullet in the Head and Haunted Cop Shop 2 (which we reviewed here).

Shock the Macaque monkey

The bros battle giant tentacles that claw their way through flesh. One monster looked like vagina face from Breeders (1984, T. Kincaid). Some of the style and lighting reminds me of The Hunger (1983), very MTV influenced. There’s an unhinged kitchen fight with one of the shapeshifters. A character busts out with neon blue lightning squiggling everywhere even on his eyebrows. It ramps up even further a half hour in as spouts of blue blood pours out of neck stumps. One handsome fellow whom I thought was gonna be the breakout star ends up losing his arms, head and then vomits. Ok so a few mins later he’s back! And just before he was rolling around a power plant in the gentle rain with Gaye, a sexy monster lady who’s involved with one of the Special Monster Squad dudes (the HK one not the Fred Dekker one)! 

you have a date with death

Reptoids are a snobby upscaled Alien race Nakadai Tatsuya plays their leader. One female character who wears the same metal bikini as Princess Lea gets into an epic battle that extends to the parking garage. The power plant is where they get their real jollies off at. Two naked characters party hard and shed limbs like Reptoids totally should and do in their natural habitat! I dunno either, just go with it, this movie assumes you’ve already read the comics and can figure out what’s going on. It somehow doesn’t hinder your enjoyment, which is rad! 

There’s so much action, pretty much non-stop. Oh Yeah, there’s a bizarre scene where a guy fucks a pinball machine. The VHS tape of this one came through the record store that I currently work at and it remains unsold. 

the pinball machine FUCKS!

If you love frenetically paced HK hi-jinx with mucho butt kicking and an all-around monster mash, seek this shit out. The anime is easily available to find on blu/dvd but this live action one is not. I watched it on one of the free Tubi style streamers and it's on archive.org in Eng. dubbed form.

Blood Sisters

Blood Sisters (1987). Directed by Roberta Findlay

Ello Kiddies, It’s EROK/CRANKENSTEIN (in the most atrociously Crypt Keeper-esque as I can muster) I’m back at it again. I hit the pause button and just didn’t feel like writing that much plus the movies just kept piling up and it was overwhelming to say the least. Currently, I found a job at a record store and have access to all the kinds of flicks that I used to order from the DR catalog back in the day. I mean for fuck's sake The Seventh Curse is on blu-ray and available for any child to watch on Tubi! The future for underground cult media has us all collectively spoiled. And thankfully all these companies are upgrading and making the second-hand merch mine for the sole enjoyment and less desirable to the one who upgraded to 4K or Blu. Y'all can upgrade into oblivion, I'll take the scraps and leftover blu/DVD/VHS trimmings.

This film in question was on a straight up DVD with Joe Bob Briggs commentary. Why would I rent this movie by notoriously inept porn director Roberta Findlay? Um mainly because Joe Bob does the intro and was on the box cover. He only gave it 3 stars and boasted that it’s no Tenement! Read the review for that aforementioned flick here http://www.theaterofguts.com/2015/08/tenement.html 

Joshua John Miller in drag?

Walter Sear who scored both 7 Doors of Death (The Beyond) and Dr. Butcher (the snuff Maximus cut phones in the drab jazzy music heard here). One bugged-eyed gal in giant glasses represents the stereotypical “New Yawk” Jewish girl. She says things like L’ CHAIM and Meshuggeneh. 

nothing to see here (look away we're having toilet sex)

There’s some gratuitous nudity as various frat sisters get their swerve on. One character named Larry says “Eat my shorts Tampon breath”. The frat house which was a former brothel is haunted by sex workers. The sisters in question are all blindfolded in the car on their way to the aforementioned house. They are in for a big surprise. When the girls hear about the vengeful spirits they still snicker about it! 

Kill two dummies with one bullet!

Lurkers (1988). a movie we reviewed a few years ago was Findlay’s previous film before this one. Next came Prime Evil (also 1988), which I’ve never been able to force my way through. This movie has enough gratuitous nudity to keep most males (or those sexually) interested but it kind of bobs along in a Scooby Doo haunted house kind of way.

 I recently listened to a fascinating interview on the Rialto Report  podcast. The host gets as close to Mrs. Roberta Findlay as anyone could, her story is pretty disturbing and you really delve into the depravity of her childhood and you can almost relate to why she was attracted to such filth and scuzziness. It’s worth a listen, I am a devout follower of that show and their website is also informative for anyone interested in adult entertainment from the 70s and 80s. Blood sisters is not the weakest from her catalog but it’s not that memorable and that’s the worst sin it commits-boredom!

The Legendary Stardust Brothers

 

Legend of the Stardust brothers (星くず兄弟の伝説, Hoshikuzu kyôdai no densetsu) When my best pal Goat Scrote, who is a Mosquito the Rapist merit badge winning champ and I saw this film together, we knew this was a major crowd pleaser. In case you forgot, read Goat’s review of the dreaded aforementioned film click this link. 

Then my birthday rolled around and I knew Stardust Bros was thee movie others had to fuggin see to believe. Yes, it’s that good. If you are a fan of musicals or even if you aren't, fear not this movie covers all bases and will win you over. There’s even a snappy peppy number with the bloated corpse of Hitler. Yowie Zowie! 

My advice is to gather your more adventurous film nerd pals and get baked or drunk and crank this shit up! It starts off in B&W, next the brothers dance in unison and boast that 2 yrs ago they hit rock bottom. They are super flashy and their song is insanely infectious. Their names are Shingo (Shingo Kubota) and Kan (Kan Takagi).

Kan is the androgynous one

There’s lots of Japanese Punkers and chipper girls, zombies and animated parts. The main singer of London Boots wears a Degrassi (1987-89) Joey Jeremiah style hat. He breaks into a fake Wham! sounding earnest number. This is Shingo, future brother of Kan's former band. 

    Zit Remedy? More like Shit Remedy!

I like the business deal location area which looks like an abandoned high school. Two thug punks guard the studio with chains and bats. Kan and Shingo meet Turtle, a petite little cutie who’s tougher than she looks. She is played by Kyoko Togawa.

There's got to be a morning after....

This movie is part Wizard of Oz and Eastern Phantom of the Paradise but that’s not even scratching the surface. There are lots of songs, better than VH1 type rock band montages most tunes are fun as hell but later on the drama hits hard. The three band members meet a slick mutton chopped label head who’s look reminded me of Jim Jones (who was a big Elvis fan too). He goes into a new wave ditty that’s like Valley Girl and the makeover scene in WOZ. 

don't worry Japanese Kool-Aid is safe.

There’s also the obvious nod to A Hard Day’s Night. The band explodes in popularity as the executive with glasses and mutton chops sings the plot points. The Bros sing about how shitty it is to be famous with a sheer brilliant take on MTV style crash and burn out. 

STARDUST-MANIA

They all sing and dance on various sets and finally down a long staircase. There’s a moody Goth number that mentions credit cards being maxed out and cheating. There’s an insane song that ignites after Shingo’s temporary white girlfriend lights up his cig. 

LSB has zombies, stop motion creatures, mummies, it packs so much entertainment value in. A haunted nurse with a giant syringe causes the Dust bros to fly through another highly entertaining acid trip through time space and animation. Drop the orange sunshine already! Like Dr. Pretorius says to Crawford in From Beyond let the pineal gland party "Let it happen".

No I won't sign Robert Englund autographs

This aforementioned scene is a short clip you could use to whet someone’s appetite that may be on the fence about Asian films of this ilk. This film is very unique and should be in the Destroy All Movies book for its punk ascetic. The ska number with a Morricone adjacent organ solo is just bonkers in the best way.

I beat Liquid Television's dead ass!

One night the female character goes on stage instead of the Dust bros. Her song is one of my favorites. It has 2 keytars and is catchy AF. Marimo the former little turtle has surpassed the Stardust bros in fame and worst of all she is being chased by a goth rocker. He sings about how tanned skin is already out of season. 

Arm LBGTQ plus now!

This movie demands for you to be under the influence so light up with whatever you got and enjoy the buzz. This was a recent find and I remember the Alamo Drafthouse in SF played it but I never heard of it or maybe just forgot. It’s astoundingly fun, the songs are great and it was all inspired by Winslow Leach of Phantom of the Paradise fame and most likely Paul Williams. Oh, and don’t miss the ending which marks a disturbing cameo by Hitler.

LSB IS ALL THAT AND A BAG OF WASABI SHRIMP CHIPS

You can watch it on TUBI! (Note Tubi is connected to Fox News which makes all us Liberals feel dirty while I doubt Conservatives care this much about cult films). At any rate that channel always has something from all the companies cult movie fanatics tend to buy. Severin, Alamo Drafthouse, AGFA, Blue Underground, Shout Factory and Contv. 

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Night Life review by Richard Glenn Schmidt

 

Night Life by Richard Glenn Schmidt

Thanks Richard for contributing with this review, make sure you check out his website and read all of his books and reviews. Link here

Archie Melville, played by Scott Grimes of Critters (1986), is a smarty pants high school kid with his eyes on college. When Archie’s father passed away, he left the family funeral home business to his dickbagel Uncle Verlin (John Astin) with the stipulation that Archie has to work at the funeral home throughout high school. This way he can earn the money for his college tuition. Thanks, dad! Due to his creepy after school job and his already geeky persona, Archie is a pariah around town, and so a quartet of psycho popular kids are out to get him, but also, they’re just big meanies.

sign of quality?

Archie’s only friend is Charly (Cheryl Pollak), the local grease monkey that the bullies treat like crapola, because they’re just big (sexist) meanies (who don’t believe that girls can work on cars or something). When Charly and Archie dare to stand up to these cretins, the leader named Roger uses his own girlfriend Joanie (Lisa Fuller) as a sexy distraction so that he and his douche-bro can pull a sicko prank on Archie. The prank gets Archie fired from the funeral home, putting his whole future in jeopardy. The joke’s on good old Rog, because he and his crew die that very night in a horrific car accident. Due to Uncle Verlin’s gross incompetence at running the funeral home, this blessing/tragedy actually gets Archie get his job back! 

the laughs are on me!

The fun begins when it turns out that bullies’ car accident was with a tanker truck full of a mysterious gaseous substance (let’s just call it “Chemical X” for now) which, as you well know, means that all it will take to bring them back to life is one lightning bolt! Queue the freak thunderstorm and… Bam! We’ve got Night of the Living Buttholes. Now, Archie and Charly have to fight for their lives against these undead baddies in the feature film from Creative Movie Marketing and Wild Night Productions called Night Life. Rated R. 89 minutes. 

we hate you Scott Grimes!

Damn, that was a lot of plot! And that’s the short version. Anyway, Night Life (1989) is not to be confused with the vampire comedy called Nightlife (also 1989), but what if you did? What would be the actual crime in that, eh? Night Life also has its own identity crisis going on. After a solemn and grotesque opening sequence in the mortuary more appropriate for Joe D’Amato’s Beyond the Darkness (1979), you might think that you’ve got the wrong movie. But no, Night Life is as interested in the gritty realities of the mortuary business as it is in goofing off! 

it's a headlight bustin good time.

Director David Acomba’s big claim to fame is that he directed that cool and weird animated segment in The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978); but specifically catering to my niche interests, he also directed Andrea Martin… Together Again (1989) featuring Martin and some of her SCTV alums. Writer Keith Critchlow didn’t do a whole lot. His only other writing credit is Volunteers (1985), a Tom Hanks/John Candy dud that no one remembers but me. Producers Susan Nicoletti and Charles Lippincott would flush their careers down the toilet on Judge Dredd (1995). On a happier note, effects artist Ed French brought the splatter goods to films like C.H.U.D. (1985), The Stuff (1985), and Blood Rage (1987). 

only Richard remembers this film.

Grimes is very likeable in the lead and I imagine that in real life, he was only ever bullied by people who got mad that Will McCorkle didn’t get his own spin-off series. John Astin, of The Addams Family fame, is way, way too good at playing Uncle Shithead. Oh my God, I found myself yelling at his character when he was onscreen. His blustery blowhard bullslap is infuriating as hell, but at least he utters the immortal line: “Condensation?! Jesus D. God!” 

Lisa played the non virgin in Monster Squad as well.

One of my favorite members of this cast is Lisa Fuller. She was all over the place in the 80s, but it’s her pivotal role as the perky, popular, and perfect Randa in the masterpiece known as Teen Witch (1989) that really warm my heart. And then there’s Cheryl Pollak. The way she delivers dialogue with her nightmarish and whiny inflection is certainly unique, or maybe just bad. Pollak forever stole my soul as Darla Blake, the band-geeky love interest in My Best Friend is a Vampire (1987). Character actor extraordinaire, Alan Blumenfeld, is also here and he calls Archie “a pussy”. He’s always great.

is my hair OK?

Fans of Mortuary (1982) and One Dark Night (1981) would do well to check out Night Life, because this reminds me of those movies in a good way. There are plenty of spooky moments, show stopping gore gags, and cool action set pieces to keep things moving. The ghouls at the end get a bit Terminator-like with their unstoppability bullcarp, but I never get bored. Night Life is a weirdly satisfying film that feels as though it was tailor-made to be caught on cable in the middle of the night and leave you wondering, “What the heck did I just watch?” 

In the May 1989 issue of Fangoria, writer Larry Barsky has an article about his visit to the set of Night Life. He describes being wowed by the big explosive setpiece in the film and talks to members of the cast and crew. Publicist Steve Jones describes the early parts of the film as “pretty much like Ferris Bueller’s Day.” Yeah, I’m still trying to imagine Ferris Bueller dumping a bucket of blood or a severed arm into a dumpster. Sure. Grimes himself tells Barsky that “Night Life has a Lost Boys feel.” Now that I can totally agree with, except no, not at all.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: ONCE BITTEN

Once Bitten directed by Howard Storm 1985 

Reviewed by Goat Scrote 

Today we delve into something truly disturbing: A 1980s vampire sex comedy starring Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, and a rubber-faced young unknown named Jim Carrey. It's very much a product of its era. That means problematic attitudes about gender roles, relationships, race, and sexuality. It's rated PG-13 because of the sexual themes and a little bit of nudity (mostly male). Unfortunately, it's too tame to be sexy, too bland to be funny, too toothless to be scary, but it still wasn't as bad as I feared. It's a middle-of-the-road bit of '80s nostalgia that I mainly recommend to Jim Carrey fans and vampire-movie completists. 

Caution, this movie sucksssss

The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is a vampire with a problem. Apparently, in 1980s Los Angeles, there is a shortage of her favorite morbid beverage. She needs the blood of male virgins who are over the age of consent to maintain her youth and beauty. Going in to this review, the only thing I could remember about the movie is that the Countess must bite her virginal victims on the inner thigh, close to the source of their untapped sexual potential, rather than on the neck. 

Campari or artery juicey juice?

She is served by Sebastian (Cleavon Little), an effete manservant. Twice they make the same joke about Sebastian coming out of the Countess' closet. Still, Sebastian pretty much steals the show and Cleavon Little is clearly having a good time hamming it up.

 She also has an entourage of previous victims, frozen in time. Her minions continue to dress in clothes from the periods they died in. They aren't given a whole lot to do, which is fine. They are supposed to be quirky and cute, I think, but they're just sort of groan-worthy. You may recognize actor Stuart Charno from "Friday the Thirteenth Part 2" among other places. 

Get my agent on the phone pronto!

Dominick Brascia, Joey from "Friday the Thirteenth: A New Beginning", makes a brief cameo at the drive-in theater, where everyone is getting laid except Mark Kendall and his girlfriend Robin (Karen Kopins). The next day he and his two friends lament their continued virginity. They decide to go to Hollywood to try to pick up women in Mark's ice-cream truck. 

There's a montage of weird sights that they see around Hollywood, interspersed with the minions of the Countess chasing the ice cream truck for no clear reason. Why has the Countess has been having so much trouble, since her followers can apparently sense virginity from a distance?! 

where's Captain Kronos when you need him?

The trio of ultra-virgins arrives at a singles meet-up place where you can phone other tables and talk to the people there. It's basically Tinder but for the rotary-dial age. Here the Countess makes her move and picks up Mark. His friends, meanwhile, get caught up in shenanigans involving a jealous husband and a gun. 

Dial-a-Duhhhh

Back at the Countess' home, she quickly seduces mark, and he yelps "ouch" as she goes offscreen to bite his thigh. He awakens the next morning feeling tired and heads back home. His friends and parents soon notice that Mark is behaving oddly: Sleeping in a trunk in his room, dressing all in black, wearing sunglasses indoors... 

don't look over my shoulder, there's titties.

Robin finds out about the infidelity and the young lovers have a spat. Later she seems to forgive him when he comes by the clothing store where she works to make up. He is trying on clothes when the Countess appears in his dressing room and goes in for round two. She only needs to feed on Mark one more time, the next night, in order to maintain her beauty and make Mark her undead servant forever. If she fails to drink by midnight, however, it will mean disaster! 

At the Halloween Dance that night at Mark and Robin's school, the Countess shows up and tries to take Mark away. What follows is a fairly epic dance-off over the fate of Mark's body and soul. Robin is the winner, and the Countess is forced to leave, temporarily defeated. 

I want to drain your main vein

Later Robin asks Mark's two virgin buddies to check his inner thigh for bite marks. This leads to a scene in the boy's locker room shower where they grab Mark and try to look at his crotch, which leads the rest of the boys to scream "fags!" and flee as if they were in deadly danger. Sigh. 

Now that I picked up the soap allow me to scrub your taint

That night Robin is abducted into the Countess' limousine right in front of Mark and his friends. They head after them to the Countess' mansion and break into the basement. They find Robin tied to a chair and free her, then start looking for the way out. They are intercepted by the vampire minions, and the trap is sprung. They are all taken captive. 

 Mark is strapped into something like a gynecological exam chair and strapped in, sans trousers. The Countess is determined to have her third drink. Robin breaks free and threatens the vampires with a cross. The Countess laughs and says that she's an atheist. When threatened with fire, however, the vampires back off. Robin and Mark make a run for it while the two buddies cover their retreat. This leads to a zany chase around the mansion, which is built more like a funhouse. 

Take your coffin nails and leave my casket!

The two buddies hit on a couple of the female vampire minions, who promptly get naked and (presumably) take their virginity. Meanwhile, Mark and Robin end up in the room full of coffins where the vampires sleep during the day. 

When the vampires burst in they don't see anyone at first. Mark and Robin are hiding inside one of the coffins in the vampire lair, and let's just say, "If this coffin is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'". Mark has lost his virginity and is no longer of any use to the vampiress. As midnight chimes on All Hallow's Eve, he Countess begins to age rapidly and ends up an elderly lady. Her minions all abandon her, except for loyal Sebastian, who assures her that they will find another virgin somewhere "...like Kansas, or Nebraska." Rating: 3 out of 5 raw meat patties.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Party Camp

PARTY CAMP  Directed by Gary Graver (1987).

Reviewed By Machine "Gun" Kristin

Have an hour and a half to kill? Then look further because “Party Camp” ain’t it. This tepid, scattered piece of 80s trash is at best a decent 1987 time capsule. There are definitely better movies ("Summer Camp Nightmare", "Sleepaway Camp" etc) in the niche “summer camp-sploitation” genre that make a whole lot more sense than this one. This movie’s plot is barely held together with spit and chewing gum. Screenwriter Paul Brown is probably better known for “Quantum Leap” (oh boy), but “Camp” was his second outing as a writer. Director Gary Graver has mostly porn on his resume (“The Joi Fuck Club”, anyone?) with one horror credit, “Trick Or Treats” (1982).

Starring Andrew Ross as Jerry (who only has three acting credits) trudges along, hopping a school bus to a camp counselor job, seeking his dream girl. There’s Billy Jacoby as I’m guessing “Miami Vice” influenced, D.A., At some point in real life he was married to the syringe-toting Nurse Brenda played by April Wayne who later have some strange S&M scenes. The secretly kinky authority figures (Sarge and Mrs. Beadle) are almost never seen besides the beginning of the film with dispersed scenes of Sarge grabbing a kid's ear 3 (!) times. The ages among the campers seem to be from Elementary to College, is that normal? The closest thing to camp I’ve been to was a Girl Scout trip ages ago. Then we have the interesting Jewel Shepard as perpetually horny Dyanne whose character seemed to have some kind of manic disorder, just acting off the wall from the jump. I thought she’d start foaming at the mouth when Jerry chews on her pearls when he first meets her on the bus, while her brawn-no-brains boyfriend, Tad chases the bus. 

There are not enough jokes that land to make it a true comedy and not enough nudity to qualify for a late-night T&A type of flick. It appears to have been reedited which is confirmed in Mike McPadden’s “Teen Movie Hell”. At least three times, a character will ask “Are they real?” when talking about a girl's chest. Super weird, I thought for sure the breast implant accusations happened in the late 90s/early 2000s on dating shows such as “Elimidate”. haha. 

We end the “Party” with mentioned once mountain bike competition between the cool guys (Tad and The Falcons) and the dorks (Jerry and the Squirrels). Yay, the movie’s finally over. 

“Party Camp” aired on USA Up All Night on: S4.E19: Mar 6, 1992 with “Naked Warriors” 

 S4.E85: Oct 24, 1992 with “Vampires on Bikini Beach” S4.E88: Nov 6, 1992 with "Spring Fever USA” Link

May 28, 1993 with “Young Nurses in Love” Link

Nov 27, 1993 with "Party Incorporated” and probably many more. You can watch “Party Camp” here